Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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