If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
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