im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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