Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
