today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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