If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
