you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
