Buhtt sex?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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