Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
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