hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hippo gnu deer
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
