He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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