Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
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I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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