Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
