Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i think my cat just said my name.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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