K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
