As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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