i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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