dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
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I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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