Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
