if i can run in heels then i can drive
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
