I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
