The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
