you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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