Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So many bounce houses so little time
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I deserve this hangover.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
