The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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