just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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