Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
