how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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