your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
