shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
