Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
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This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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