Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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