Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
