I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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