I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
