I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
