a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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