She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
