i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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