Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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