Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wish there were birth control emojis
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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