don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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