I'm gonna have a badass scar
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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