you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
