Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
