Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
