this beer tastes like vomit already
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
