i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
