What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I need help removing her.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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