I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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