just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
