Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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