I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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