i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's rum buckets o'clock
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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