You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
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He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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