Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
