turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
