my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
